Dear Mr. Intimacy Issue,
I am not opposed to casual sex or (anonymous) one-night-stands. I do have one rule though: as long as the sexual encounter lasts, you are mine, and I’ll be yours. I expect you to be present. I expect a certain intimacy, whether tender or raw. This doesn’t mean I want to exclude power dynamics, or humiliation if desired and consensual. This doesn’t mean I want promises for a future. Don’t want to ever see me again afterwards? Fine. But even so, in the moment: be present, be intimate and be mine.
So let me explain to you what lack of intimacy looks like:
• Fucking me solely for your own pleasure
• Not responding to my cues, whether verbal or non-verbal
• Inviting me to take a shower with you, and then not speak to me or even look at me while we’re there
• Barely acknowledging that I’m next to you while you’re watching TV, and then expect me to be instantly aroused enough for you to finger me while you’re still completely distracted
• Not even averting your eyes from the TV screen when saying goodbye to me, as I get ready to leave at 4am, with a snow storm raging outside
And you wonder why your relationships don’t work. You wonder why women often don’t even want to go on a second date with you. My guess is that acknowledging someone’s presence, looking her in the eye and turning of the TV is a pretty good start to connecting enough for the possibility of a second date. It might even be a good start towards a little intimacy.
As for me, I guess you can add me to that list of women who are “too shallow to try a second date.”